We all need to spend some quality time with that little internal voice that asks the hard-hitting queries. I sat down with myself and addressed some frequently asked questions.
Q. Ben and Mena? Mena and Ben? Who's the sidekick?
A. According to the Google Smackdown, the combination of "Ben and Mena" trumps "Mena and Ben" 2,050 to 242. This, of course, means I'm Lewis to Ben's Martin. Or, as some other people like to think, I'm fucking Flava Flav to Ben's Chuck D.
Q. Whoa, that sounds a little bitter. What's going on?
A. Well, when we were juniors in college, there was this one British Literature paper and Ben got an "A" and I got an "A-". Since then, we've been holding on by a thread.
Q. Hey, English major, why don't you refer to yourself in the third person more often? I really like that!
A. Mena thinks that the third person works best for borderline and over-the-line psychopaths (see Alex from A Clockwork Orange and Frank Booth from Blue Velvet). And while your narrator also sees a use for the third person narrative in British Literature, she has been disappointed to discover that she's no Moll Flanders. Coincidentally, the management finds the we-means-I variation of the third person narrative to be particularly disconcerting because of the implications that there might be other voices in your host's head.
Q. What's the deal with that creepy Thorn Birds dream you had last night?
A. Yeah, tell me about it.
Q. I've noticed you've stopped watching TV Shows You Hate™. How's that going?
A. Great! Thanks for asking. This season's big deletion was Will and Grace. I know, I know, those "Wilma" jokes are priceless. And the Rosario/Karen lets-both-talk-at-the-same-time schtick? Brilliant. Ultimately, Debra Messing's sternum pushed us over the edge. Next season, God willing, Six Feet Under makes the cut. Unfortunately, as a result of pulling back from network television, we've now tacked on about 73 hours of programming from the Food Network to our weekly viewing schedule.
Q. Since you're not watching as much television, what books are you reading?
A. Are you trying to make me feel stupid or something?
Q. Okay, I'll phrase that another way. What books are sitting on your bedside table, unread?
A. Marie Antoinette: The Journey, One Year Off, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, On Rue Tatin: Living and Cooking in a French Town, Word Freak: Heartbreak, Triumph, Genius, and Obsession in the World of Competitive Scrabble Players and Road Trip USA.
Q. How's the banjo-playing going?
A. Shut-up.
Q. So, what ever happened to that vacation you were planning?
A. Well, after examining our prior work engagements and our budget, we realized that we needed to trim a bit off the cross-country road trip and instead went to the Musee Mecanique.
Q. Wait. Isn't the Musee Mecanique a ten minute walk from your apartment?
A. Exactly. But we fought all the way there -- just like a real vacation.
Q. What, exactly, is a bard's countersong effective against? Will it work on effects that don't allow saving throws? Will it work against a thunderstone?
A. Countersong works on sonic magical effects -- that is any spell, supernatural ability, or spell-like effect that has the sonic or language-dependent designator. But it does not work against extraordinary abilities and non magical cound, such as a thundersone. Since countersong allows you to use the bard's Perform check result as saving throw result, it is not effective against spells or effects that have no saving throw to begin with.
Q. Hey, that's from the Dungeons and Dragons FAQ! What does that have to do with your internal monologue?
A. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
