Animals Don't Lie.

So my mom calls me up and says "I just saw the most depressing episode of Pet Psychic."

Coincidentally, she called me last Sunday to tell me the same thing; the difference being that last week, it was the first episode of the series, and apparently, just as depressing.

Mena: Why do you watch the show if it just upsets you?

Mom: I don't know. It's just so sad. I cried during the entire show. There was this raccoon whose mother was killed in a freak logging accident. And the little raccoon witnessed it! And now, it never wants to leave rehabilitation.

Mena: You know this is how the show works. Do you really expect a reading to be happy and positive? "Oh, I'm such a happy dog, I'm so spoiled. Keep up the good work." That's not going to happen.

Mom: I know. And there was this miniature horse...

Mena: I don't want to hear it.

The thing is, I'm just like my mother. If Ben and I actually got Animal Planet as a part of our digital cable package, I would subject myself to these same depressing segments on what animals (often abused animals) are thinking.

Why? Just to know that they are thinking.

Comments

[Helen]

On a (sort of) related note (in keeping with the paranormal, perhaps), I can't stop watching "World's Greatest Magic" on Fox Family Channel. They show closeups of the most amazing slight-of-hand and on-stage magic tricks.

In one trick, lady Pendragon gets locked in a box by man Pendragon. He then stands on the box and raises a sheet to shield his body. In less than a second, he drops the sheet -- but instead of man Pendragon, it's lady Pendragon! Then they show it in slow motion.

Hosted by such greats as Alan Thicke, Harry Connick Jr. and John Ritter, I watch the specials so often that my parents are thoroughly annoyed with them.

That, of course, is the mark of a good thing.

[Electrin]

Things that we ought not to see often fascinate us. Roadkill theory.

[Cristiane]

I'm waiting for one of those animals to tell her that she had the worst face lift ever seen.

[Alison]

I just wrote a post a little while ago about the Pet Psychic as well. It's ridiculous and completely insane (although I do believe that animals have emotions, etc), but I'm slowly becoming addicted to it. Order Animal Planet! I also get sucked in by "The Planet's Funniest Animals" (or something like that). It's kind of an "America's Funniest Videos" of the Animal Kingdom.

[Anna]

Last week, as I was watching TV, my husband walked into the room and, startled, asked, "Why are you crying?!?" I shakily replied, "It's the Pet Psychic; this baby raccoon watched her mother die when her habitat was destroyed by evil, evil people!" He shook his head and quickly leaving the room. I enjoy the show because it reinforces my misanthropy.

[Dezi]

Sadly, tomorrow is the premier episode at 8 and I'm going to subject myself to it. I might have the same reaction since I cry watching "Emergency Vets" and "Animal Precinct" .... damn Animal Planet for being so enjoyable yet so heartbreaking!

[Erica]

I love watching the Pet Psychic..much to my boyfriend's dismay. I am thouroughly convinced myself she is real, just like John Edward. I especially loved when she talked to the boxer about his love of french fries.

[Lee]

[gaping in disbelief at these posts]

If the Pet Psychotic said all these animals were happy campers, she'd be out of business. She's Miss Cleo for the animal kingdom.

[Stanley]

It's a good thing all those animals think in fluent british english or Sonya would be out of business.

[PJ]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
'
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

(Wish I could take credit for this, but it came in an email from a friend.)

[tll grrl]

i can't watch Animal Planet. especially that show that spends a day with a veterinarian (sp?).
especially when someone brings their pet in and it's sick, hurt or going to die.
one day i was on my way out the door to run errands and there was a woman and her daughter and their elderly retriever. the doc had just found a huge growth in the dog's stomach. the prognosis was bad and the doc asked the woman to think about how dangerous surgery would be, how much it would cost, and how the dog was probably going to die on the operating table.
she started crying, the daughter cried, the doc was really sad...and when the woman asked to go see her dog to be there when they put it to sleep, i started crying and had to turn off the t.v. and get out of there.
dag.

[Heather]

I watch Animal Planet like all day long...I love that channel....I have learned alot when they focus on just one breed...and I love the vet show!!!!

[pat]

Well, dogs DO lie - or, at least, my Pap does. Smoochie lies to my Sheltie and his two buddies, E.A. Poe and Teddy Bear. If I give them all a pizzle each, Smooch will pretend to hear something outside. Oh! All the Shelties run to the window to bark their respective comments (Dash: 'Hey, you! Come in! We have pizzles! Come visit! Come play ball!' Teddy: 'I can't see you?! Where are you hiding?! I'm gonna get you!' Po':'Hey, the pizzles are ours! Go Away! I bit the mailman, I can bite you!') Smooch grabs up all the pizzles and lays on the Shelties' while chewing hers. When the Shelties return, I make her give them back. She waits a few minutes and then pretends to hear something in the kitchen. Off! A chorus of "Hey, we're coming!" as she gathers them up and hustles to her crate to hide them. She has it timed and is back chewing hers as they return. They look everywhere. They fall for this every time.

She also lies to me. While napping, I heard a decidedly unchewy noise. She is very oral so there are dog chewies everywhere in the house. I lean up and ask "Smoochie, what have you got?" She turns to me and shows me the nub of an Edibone. "Good girl!" as I lay back down. At the sound of rubber hitting the mattress, I rise up and ask again "Smooch! What have you got?!" and am again shown the chewie. But, unlike the Shelties, I don't buy it. I lean forward, roll her little body over and lo! and behold! there is a leather clog under her body, chewed and soaking and the Edibone is dry as the Sahara. Dogs don't lie! Ha! Smooch couldn't tell the truth on herself if a pound of cheese and a BK cheeseburger were the prize.

Any of the four of them will lie if they are bored. Just to get each other going, they pretend to hear or see things that aren't there so everydog else will start running and barking. Sometimes, Dash or Teddy will send out a barked "Hey, anydog else on the planet bored?" just to see what response they get from the furneighbors. That's not really lying, its more like gossip, I guess.

[Jo Hargis]

I spent 10 years on the west coast relaying what most folks thought were fantastic stories conjured from my imagination....but were entirely true. As is this account of an incident I observed shortly after moving back home to Texas: The freeway traffic was all backed up one morning a few months ago on my way to work. Finally, I inched my way to the "reason". The first thing I saw were the flashing lights of the police cruiser, inching up more, the next thing was an armadillo about 2 feet long...feet in the air, and just beyond it was a bright red sports car with a crushed front-end.