I'll tell you where you can put your change.

Want to spend a fun-filled day rediscovering and embracing your loathing for your fellow man?

Well, then, throw a garage sale!

Last weekend, Ben and I headed up to Sonoma County to help my parents throw their garage sale. We were given appropriate tasks based on our qualifications.

Ben, because of his math and computer science degrees, was the "bank," the person who handled the money and bookkeeping.

And I, because of my intense don't-you-con-me nature, was given the job of "enforcer" and "negotiator." Basically, I was theft-control and the person who stood to be insulted with ridiculously low barters.

Nine hours and a $111.65 later (our cut), I saw the world in a much darker light. The greed! The horror! The absolute seriousness of garage sale shoppers!

To make your life easier, here are some of my tips on throwing a successful garage sale:

1. Get a good night's sleep.

2. Despite their cute-sounding name, "Early Birds" are bloodthirsty beasts. They'll ring your doorbell at seven in the morning, three hours before the sale is set to start. Do not yell at the Early Birds. Dirty looks are fine, though.

3. Never shake children who are inappropriately touching the merchandise. Parents don't like that.

4. Patio furniture is king. Many a family will look at their children as possible trade-ins for a high-quality patio sets.

5. If you are particularly fond of an item, stand firm on the pricing. If you're lucky, it won't sell and you'll be able to bring it home with you.

6. Garage sale shoppers aren't too fond of being sprayed with hose water.

7. People who insult you with an offer of $65 for an almost new $600 mattresses, boxspring, frame set are ridiculously presumptuous.

8. At 4:30, just sell them the f**king mattress for $65.

9. If you and your family intend to have screaming fights about the garage sale, do it inside of the house. Very special tip: Never include the phrase "stop conning me!" in earshot of the garage sale patrons.

10. Wear sunblock.

Comments

[Boz]

For the last garage sale I participated in, we began by breaking your first rule.

It was all downhill from there.

[rhapsodie]

im so excited that its garage/yard sale time again. when my grandparents last held theirs, my grandpa casually leaned his shotgun next to the 'bank'. he got many offers on it, but everyone respected the banker (my mom).

[Jeff]

Being a good psychologist is key. Price EVERYTHING at least 20% higher than you want to sell it for.

Garage Sale buyers are a funny lot. It's amazing how someone will walk away from something they really want if the price is 25 cents higher than they want to pay. But if you come down in price, it usually sells.

[BDan]

I once sold stuff at a garage sale when I was a boy. I sold a box packed with Legos for about $15. Much less than I was asking for, and much much less than the personal value to me. At the time, I didn't realize that a) Legos sells for about 10 cents *a piece* new, b) good collections of generic Lego pieces take a long time to assemble and are hard to come by, and c) a fully grown adult would try to take advantage of a little boy to scam him out of his Legos with a lowball offer and high-pressure intimidation.

I hate people.

[Pet Rock Star]

I bet you would make more money off of your old stuff if you sold tickets at $5 apiece, which allowed people to come and break a bunch of shit in your yard. I mean, I'd pay $5 to take a baseball bat to your great-aunt's parrot-shaped lamp. Wouldn't you?

Yeah, screw a garage sale. I'm having a "Demolish My Heirlooms" sale. ("Heirlooms" just sounds better than "old shit.")

[Laura]

On the consumer end, be sure to get there before your "vintage" vendors do. Which, unfortunately for all, may put you in the "Early bird" category.

[mona]

it's funny how we live in different countries; but have freakishly similar experiences when it comes to garage sales...

your site is a fun read. i posted it on my links page. please give me a holler if you mind...

[j. brotherlove]

okay - this... is hilarious!

[sean]

Yard sales can bring out the worst in people.
But they sure are fun!

[kacey]

You didn't really hose down any customers, did you?

I really got a good kick out of rule no. 3. I identify with that, sometimes these kids come into the health food store where I work with their parents, and I just want slap or kick them out the door. I actually did pop one on the hand, after his mother who was paying no attention at all to him, told me to go ahead and watch him, not like I was *working* or anything. This kid was a beast too. On afterthought, I will probably not do that again. >_< God, I hate parents. . .

[meryl]

Military bases - the best place for garage sales. Everyone is always moving... so you can find a few gems. When it came our turn to move back to Texas, we sold everything.

Even if you start the sale at 7am... those crazy birds will be there before then.

We had a second garage sale after moving to Texas prior to moving into our new home. God, people were nasty. Trying to give me a quarter for something worth far more than two bucks!

Garage sales... fun at first, then nasty at the end that you wish you never did it. Then, you do it again 10 years later forgetting how you really felt during the sale.

[Tess]

I'm afraid my mother may have been one of those you hosed down! Eeek! :) She's an antique dealer and to her, garage sales are ALL business. A lovely person otherwise... :)

[Bink]

Well, I never saw it from the seller's perspective. I am an avid buyer but non negotiator. I leave that to my rummage sale pals. I believe people go to rummage/garage sales looking for a "find" or a "steal". (I think you would prefer the later term.) I can not be expected to pay full price for a new item. It has to be "reasonably" discounted or I would buy it in the store. Again, I never saw it from the seller's perspective.

[Goh Poh Seng]

Dear Sir/Madam,
My house and research work under this house is not for sale.You can franchise it but there is a royalty impose. You want it you pay that's the deal,O.K

[Kristin]

Had a garage sale about 2 months ago and had to disrupt a fist fight that was about to ensue in my driveway. No, not two big guys fighting over some Harley memorabilia, but the two middle aged women who both wanted to peruse the box of costume jewelry first. Ugly, Ugly, Ugly...but so much fun I am going to do it again next week!

**Don't forget that even though you are outside it is still your home...don't let some random middle aged women get in a fist fight in your yard. send them into the street...Then YOU be the bookie for all the rest of the customers. **

[ALENA]

I actually did spray my garage sale customers with a hose---well actually a sprinkler. My garage sale was more like a yard sale and my dog was kept in the backyard. I had set my sprinkler out there to water the gardens. But my dog LOVES water and will also share it...(you can guess what happened). My dog flew down the lawn carrying the sprinkler...hose and all...in his mouth shaking it fiercely in all the customers' faces....I only made $100 in that garage sale...

[ALENA]

I actually did spray my garage sale customers with a hose---well actually a sprinkler. My garage sale was more like a yard sale and my dog was kept in the backyard. I had set my sprinkler out there to water the gardens. But my dog LOVES water and will also share it...(you can guess what happened). My dog flew down the lawn carrying the sprinkler...hose and all...in his mouth shaking it fiercely in all the customers' faces....I only made $100 in that garage sale...

[K.D.B.]

ha ha, I had a GREAT garage sale a few years back, after my kids were out of cribs and diapers. Sure wish I knew about the old garden hose tactic back then! I was selling a BEAUTIFUL Whie Oak Jenny Lind crib that had only been used less than a year....the scumbags that had their eye on it were obviously scheisters....it was priced at $100 (Posturepedic mattress included)They offered me $30 for it! I said "not happnin' ", turned around to help another customer and the husband/boyfriend of the pregnant gal backed his truck up in my horseshoe shaped driveway, then proceeded to have his whole scummy family try to distract me so he could just LOAD UP that crib and mattress for a 5 finger discount! OMG, people have GAUL, don't they? Told that SOB to get the hell outta there, for sure! Would have called the cops in a MINUTE had they not left in a hurry! Having another sale in 2 weeks.....hope they don't come back this year! happy saling & God bless!

[Liz]

You should post this on redpaper.com it's hilarious. I'm sure that people would pay for the hose tip alone.